My Harry Potter adventure filler generator

While watching the first third of the last motion-picture installment of our favourite growth-impeded wizard, I was so frustrated and bored by the linearity and the cookie-cutter narration of some of the scenes, that I started to build in my mind a prototype of what you see below: the adventure filler generator. It's a very useful tool to provide some storyline goop to artificially inflate a normal story into a saga behemoth. Feel free to use it and, like J.K. Rowling, turn a decent 200 pages novel with quirky characters into the equivalent of a multi-story car park for a library and monetize this giant turd by entertaining readers like me unable to concentrate more that two pages in a row (I actually didn't read the books, not because it's a bad book, but because I find more entertaining to write html crap like this than read a book that will end up on the silver screen). Anyway, here goes nothing:

Harry is in his room at Hogwarts and is looking for a magic pencil to write a letter to a girl that he is not sure he fancies and definitely doesn't know how to talk to. While he was looking for the magical artifact...
Step 1) Harry finds almost by accident in a
select a semi-romantic adjective
dusty
invisible
golden
ghostlike
antique

select a thingy
cupboard
but finely carved chest
railway station
the most extraordinary
select another thingy
ball
vial
scroll
map
orkrux

select a bit of glue
with a secret compartment revealing
in the shape of
which made magically appear
shoved right up
representing

select the main mojo
the path to the artifact he is so desperate to find
a dragon
the tears of a middle-aged spider called Margareth
a quirky winged little shit
an very ugly goblin in a suit
that Harry has ever seen !
This will no doubt help him in his quest to slain the evil Lord Voldemort !
But first, he certainly knows he has to find the
select a qualifier
legendary
furry
unspeakable
mysterious

select the conditional mojo
wand
ring
foreskin
sword
wig

of
select the idiot who used to own that crap
Dumbledore
Draco Malfoy
the half-bred prince
the non-tolkienesque elf with a huge nose who seem always depressed or something
the divination teacher who, again, didn't see that one coming at all
, otherwise he would be unable to use the first thing properly, of course !

But it is not quite going as planned and one member of the group (but not the girl or grumpy Ron, ok ?!) had to pay the ultimate sacrifice ! The unlucky member to die in horrible pain while agonising in Harry's arms is:
select the red-shirt whose death will make you and your 8 year old sister cry forever
the poor cute little elf
a dashing young boy who will soon star in another teen-estrogen franchise
a goblin with bad dental hygiene
Lupin
a kid with not too good acting skills

during which a very
select the money shot
slow motion falling scene
clumsy but comical eulogy
romantic and quirky makeshift tomb
strident final squeek

will distract us for a moment from the increasing darkness of the scenario.

As it was very clearly said in the previous book, the
select the obscure trivia that separates you from a normal person
magical enchantment
square root
evilness
need to feed on roasted babies

of
seriously !
dwarfes
geometry
a shiny deer in the forest at night
the dark lord
some very dark shadow that looks like stale coffee goop stuck in the U-bent of my kitchen sink
knows no bounds, and this will have a crucial impact on the next chapter ! Impact of which you will only discover the magnitude because it allows
select the lucky recipient of the next deus-ex-machina
the very resourceful Harry
that moron Ron
the girl
one of the funny twins, doesn't matter which, does it ?

to
select this year's lucky cretin award
survive miraculously
pry the artifact from the claws of the monster
teleport to the fresh air
learn a new spell with a sexy latin-sounding root, like "wannabarfo"
!
Clever huh ?
But no time to ponder on the genius of J.K.Rowling ! Harry is at loss of what to do next, now that the Dark Lord is plotting his next evil move and Harry has used all the deus-ex-machina that have been thrown at him at the last minute. He needs to find something... for that he will have to
select your favourite suicide method
play a game of Quiddich and learn a invaluable life lesson
teleport to the only street in London with no Kebab shop
retreat in the forest and avoid a shitload of very awkward threesome situations... NOT!
wait on the platform like a twat
investigate at the very core of the ministry of magic and shit

at the end of which...
Jump back to Step 1) for the next chapter !
(yes, there is just one step 1. Not as complex as it looks anymore huh ?)